To Be or Not To Be
It seems like everywhere I go, I see pregnant women and mothers with tiny babies. It makes me want to crack jokes about something in the water, but it also makes my heart ache just a tiny bit. When my daughter was born, my husband and I decided that two kids were plenty for us, but now I’m not so sure.
It’s the indecision I feel that really floors me. I vacillate daily–or more accurately, minute-to-minute–between wanting another baby so bad that it almost hurts, and thinking that I could never, never handle three kids. I think my husband is as confused as I am. One day, he’ll say that maybe we should have another baby, and the next, he’s asking what I’m going to do with myself when both of the kids are off to school!
One of the biggest reasons that I often lean toward not having more kids is a selfish one. I know from personal experience how hard it is to get back into shape after a baby is born. I’ve worked so hard to regain my body, and I hate the thought of having to start over again, from square one. Also, my tummy, bladder, breasts, and back have never quite returned to their pre-pregnancy states. Do I really have the mental and physical strength to regain my figure a third time?
Of course, when I see a brand-new baby or a round pregnant belly attached to a woman who is positively glowing, I change my mind again. I loved being pregnant, and I can honestly say that pregnancy was the only time since elementary school that I felt comfortable in my own skin. I must have spent hours gazing at my burgeoning belly, filled with awe and fierce love. And even though we struggled for money when my son was tiny, and although my daughter was a very challenging baby, I would never give up those early days with my children for all the money in the world. In fact, thinking about those days makes my heart long for a new addition to my family all the more.
Have you ever noticed a teeny woman with five or more kids in tow? Once in a while, I’ll see a woman with a huge brood, and they all usually look exactly like her, leaving very little doubt that she birthed them herself. I marvel when I see a woman who has been blessed with one baby and a teenager’s figure, but it doesn’t seem fair that certain women can have all the kids their hearts desire and still look like they were never pregnant! If it weren’t incredibly rude, I’d rush up to these women and beg them for their secrets: Did you win the genetic lottery, or do you work your butt off and eat like a bird? If I only knew the answer to that question, perhaps it would help me with my own situation. Then again, maybe not.
To be or not to be? That is the question I’m always asking myself. Do I want another baby badly enough to put my body through the wringer a third time? What would be best for my family, especially my children? I won’t even get into finances! And the answer I’ve come up with isn’t incredibly satisfying, but it’s true: it’s okay to not know. I don’t have to rush to a decision about adding to my family; I’m still in my twenties and in good health. It’s okay to be confused, even if that confusion is…well, confusing! So I guess for now, my mind and my heart will agree do disagree with themselves. I can pine for a baby, but I’ve decided not to decide one way or another. At least not yet.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:57 am
I am a work at home mommy and I came across your site as part of my job. Anyways I just thought I would comment on this, because I am a mom of 6 beautiful kids ages 10, 8, 6, 3, 2 and 9 months. I am the envy of all my friends, since I currently only weigh 101.3 pounds. No I’m not on any special diet, but I think my problem most of all is that I don’t eat, because I forget to. I actually started a weight gaining regime so I can put on a couple of pounds (10) hopefully. I guess I’ve been blessed w/ a really high metabolisim.
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:28 am
Like my aunt, a mother of nine who looks about 30 at 45 told me after my first, “you’ll never regret having had another child but you might regret NOT having it.”
I’m six months pregnant with number four right now. Life is hard and I know will continue to be hard for a couple of years but when I see my three kids (DS 7, DD 5 and DD 14mo) playing Ring Around the Rosy together in the backyard my heart softens a little more and I know I will never regret having just one more. (Though my body will never again be what it was at 20 or even 25.)
August 24th, 2008 at 3:08 am
I’m with you, I never thought I would have more than three kids. But after I had my daughter and got remarried my thinking changed. I just love my husband so much that it makes me love having kids with him! We currently have 3 together, 4 counting from my first marriage. Now I finally say I’m done but there is still that thought of maybe one more…then I’ll be done! LOL!